After going to SM Manila and join the 3-day sale craze, I am now left to watch over the store until closing time. And I had nothing else to do so I decided to go blog hopping. Upon reading my friends' blogs, my mind is filled with a lot of things and realizations to ponder. All these made me think and reflect about my own life and the way I live it. I realize that I'm not doing a good job at it. It's only in a matter of time when the heavier changes mark their places in my life if I don't do something about it.

First, I realized that not everyone is fortunate in their lives as I am now. By fortunate, I meant about their happiness. Here I am, always complaining about how simple my life is when I knew about the fact that living in simplicity is the best way to live a happy life. I've always want a lot of material things. Who doesn't? And people vary, I might add. I was browsing through a very materialistic girl's blog who can have everything she ever wanted and the next minute, I was sympathizing this person who is describing his/her financial problems in the family. But as I grow up, my long list of material things is cut short because then, I knew that these don't really give me everlasting pleasure. But still, a fact remains that I want this and I want that. Right now, I wish I have my own personal computer with DSL just as I have requested from my parents. But I didn't give them a specific deadline. That would be too harsh considering the fact that we too are suffering financially. I am always thinking of helping out with our family's finances but as usual, I am not brave enough to face the world. I can't even bring myself to find a part time job. Oh boy and if you could just read my mind right now, I am trying to plan the next barkada eat-out which would mean another round of spending. I should try and talk with my friends about spending quality time together and not just spending money worthlessly. And I should get my lazy ass off the bed and get serious about work (and studies) this time.

Next thought that came into my mind is that I think I am losing my sense of individuality. I didn't even try to improve myself. I always see studying as an obligation to fulfill, a routine imposed by the norms of the society. I never thought about work afterwards, which brings me back to my being a lazy pig. I do what I have to do; I study what I have to study. And that's it. Ask me what I WANT to do after college and I'll go mute for the rest of my life. That's why I always had my mom to decide what's best for me, just to have this feeling of security. You're right about whatever you've been thinking about me: I don't know what else to do if no one's there to decide for me. And yep, like I said, I'm a lazy pig, a sloth who always have the comforts of life: the security of my home, my family and my friends. I now wonder what will become of me in the next 5 years? Will my mom still be there to pick out my interviews for a job? Will my mom still be there to even choose my husband-to-be? I doubt that but if I don't do something now, I might regret it for the rest of my life. I just hope I know what I want...

Lastly, I'm losing my creative touch in almost everything that I do. I already suck in writing stories, drawing anime characters, even cracking some jokes. I feel so... dry...and empty. I see my batchmates weave good short stories, whip up some dance moves, do promising acting jobs, excel in academics, pursue athletic dreams, improve their sense of humor naturally and all I can do is to gape and loll at them enviously. I don't even know what's keeping me except that I can't do it the natural way. I always tend to worry about everything that I do. The fear of criticism always gets to me first though I know I shouldn't be doing that. I just can't help it. In the next 5 or 10 years, when an announcement of a high school reunion is made, I fear that I have nothing to share about myself: an accomplishment that's life-changing or even a simple joke. I am totally an uninteresting person, an average person who's still trying to follow a basic cycle of routines. And I tend to be practical about a lot of stuff. That's also the reason why I never had the chance to discover my talents. I'm attracted to the idea of playing a musical instrument, a guitar specifically. But due to the time and money it demands, the thought of enrolling myself in a music school never crossed my mind again. I love experimenting in the kitchen, baking for example. But because we don't own an oven and the expenses in acquiring food ingredients has always been a burden to not only my parents but also to me, I ,as of now,gave up any hope of becoming a chef someday. Sigh. I just realize that I have no talent at all. All I can ever do is to improve myself by studying, to which I don't even find any meaning to it all except that it is a must...

I am currently feeling pessimistic about college because as a transferee to the new school and as an irregular student, I have no real friends to walk by with. Things have gone pretty dull for me. I have been acquainted with different kinds of people in every subject that I'm in. At most times, I go to school alone. I go to the comfort room alone. I go to the library alone. I eat my lunch alone. I switch classrooms alone. I eat my snack alone. I go home alone. Sometimes, I play with the idea of talking to myself, ALONE. At first, I can't take it. But since it's been the 2nd week of school for me, I got used to it so much already. But still, it left my with a saddening feeling I cannot describe. All I ever want to do right now is to pass the sem in flying colors...a thing that I have to do... alone...