After going to SM Manila and join the 3-day sale craze, I am now left to watch over the store until closing time. And I had nothing else to do so I decided to go blog hopping. Upon reading my friends' blogs, my mind is filled with a lot of things and realizations to ponder. All these made me think and reflect about my own life and the way I live it. I realize that I'm not doing a good job at it. It's only in a matter of time when the heavier changes mark their places in my life if I don't do something about it.

First, I realized that not everyone is fortunate in their lives as I am now. By fortunate, I meant about their happiness. Here I am, always complaining about how simple my life is when I knew about the fact that living in simplicity is the best way to live a happy life. I've always want a lot of material things. Who doesn't? And people vary, I might add. I was browsing through a very materialistic girl's blog who can have everything she ever wanted and the next minute, I was sympathizing this person who is describing his/her financial problems in the family. But as I grow up, my long list of material things is cut short because then, I knew that these don't really give me everlasting pleasure. But still, a fact remains that I want this and I want that. Right now, I wish I have my own personal computer with DSL just as I have requested from my parents. But I didn't give them a specific deadline. That would be too harsh considering the fact that we too are suffering financially. I am always thinking of helping out with our family's finances but as usual, I am not brave enough to face the world. I can't even bring myself to find a part time job. Oh boy and if you could just read my mind right now, I am trying to plan the next barkada eat-out which would mean another round of spending. I should try and talk with my friends about spending quality time together and not just spending money worthlessly. And I should get my lazy ass off the bed and get serious about work (and studies) this time.

Next thought that came into my mind is that I think I am losing my sense of individuality. I didn't even try to improve myself. I always see studying as an obligation to fulfill, a routine imposed by the norms of the society. I never thought about work afterwards, which brings me back to my being a lazy pig. I do what I have to do; I study what I have to study. And that's it. Ask me what I WANT to do after college and I'll go mute for the rest of my life. That's why I always had my mom to decide what's best for me, just to have this feeling of security. You're right about whatever you've been thinking about me: I don't know what else to do if no one's there to decide for me. And yep, like I said, I'm a lazy pig, a sloth who always have the comforts of life: the security of my home, my family and my friends. I now wonder what will become of me in the next 5 years? Will my mom still be there to pick out my interviews for a job? Will my mom still be there to even choose my husband-to-be? I doubt that but if I don't do something now, I might regret it for the rest of my life. I just hope I know what I want...

Lastly, I'm losing my creative touch in almost everything that I do. I already suck in writing stories, drawing anime characters, even cracking some jokes. I feel so... dry...and empty. I see my batchmates weave good short stories, whip up some dance moves, do promising acting jobs, excel in academics, pursue athletic dreams, improve their sense of humor naturally and all I can do is to gape and loll at them enviously. I don't even know what's keeping me except that I can't do it the natural way. I always tend to worry about everything that I do. The fear of criticism always gets to me first though I know I shouldn't be doing that. I just can't help it. In the next 5 or 10 years, when an announcement of a high school reunion is made, I fear that I have nothing to share about myself: an accomplishment that's life-changing or even a simple joke. I am totally an uninteresting person, an average person who's still trying to follow a basic cycle of routines. And I tend to be practical about a lot of stuff. That's also the reason why I never had the chance to discover my talents. I'm attracted to the idea of playing a musical instrument, a guitar specifically. But due to the time and money it demands, the thought of enrolling myself in a music school never crossed my mind again. I love experimenting in the kitchen, baking for example. But because we don't own an oven and the expenses in acquiring food ingredients has always been a burden to not only my parents but also to me, I ,as of now,gave up any hope of becoming a chef someday. Sigh. I just realize that I have no talent at all. All I can ever do is to improve myself by studying, to which I don't even find any meaning to it all except that it is a must...

I am currently feeling pessimistic about college because as a transferee to the new school and as an irregular student, I have no real friends to walk by with. Things have gone pretty dull for me. I have been acquainted with different kinds of people in every subject that I'm in. At most times, I go to school alone. I go to the comfort room alone. I go to the library alone. I eat my lunch alone. I switch classrooms alone. I eat my snack alone. I go home alone. Sometimes, I play with the idea of talking to myself, ALONE. At first, I can't take it. But since it's been the 2nd week of school for me, I got used to it so much already. But still, it left my with a saddening feeling I cannot describe. All I ever want to do right now is to pass the sem in flying colors...a thing that I have to do... alone...

SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 80 movies, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 168 movie titles on this list. Put your score in header and repost.

( ) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
( ) Pirates of the Caribbean
( ) Boondock Saints
( ) Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
( ) Neverending Story
( ) Blazing Saddles
( ) Airplane
( ) My First Mister
( ) The Virgin Suicides

Total: 1/11

( ) The Princess Bride
( ) AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
( ) Napoleon Dynamite
( ) Labyrinth
( ) Saw
( ) Saw II
( ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
( ) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
(x) The Princess Diaries
(x) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement

Total: 3/12

( ) Scream
( ) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
( ) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
( ) American Pie
( ) American Pie 2
( ) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp

Total: 0/11

(x) Harry Potter
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
(x) Resident Evil I
(x) Resident Evil 2
( ) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
( ) The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch

Total: 7/10

(x) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
( ) Signs
(x) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) White Chicks
( ) Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30
( ) I, Robot
(x) Robots

Total: 4/10

( ) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Along Came Polly
( ) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
( ) Never Been Kissed
( ) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) Joe Dirt
( ) King Kong

Total: 3/12

(x) A Cinderella Story
(x) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
( ) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
( ) Halloween
(x) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
(x) Flubber

Total: 4/14

( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
( ) Practical Magic
( ) Chicago
(x) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
( ) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
( ) The Whole Nine Yards

Total: 1/9

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
(x) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
( ) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
( ) Sixteen Candles
( ) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
( ) The Grudge
(x) the Mask
(x) Son Of The Mask

Total: 4/14

(x) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Se7en
(x) Ocean's Eleven
( ) Ocean's Twelve
( ) Identity
( ) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
( ) The Fog
( ) Ice Age
(x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown

Total: 3/13

(x) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss' Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
( ) Frailty
( ) War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
(x) Rush Hour 2

Total: 4/12

( ) Best Bet
( ) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
( ) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
( ) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
( ) The Terminator
( ) Terminator 2

Total: 2/12

(x) X-Men
( ) X2
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
(x) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
( ) Catch Me If You Can
( ) The Others
(x) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
( ) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) Cruel Intentions 3
( ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2

Total: 7/17

( ) Swimfan
( ) Miracle
( ) Old School
(x) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
( ) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
( ) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
( ) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(x) A Walk to Remember
( ) Boogeyman
( ) The 40-year-old-virgin

Total: 2/11

ALL in ALL: 45/168

heck! marami akong pinapanuod pero la naman sa list eh! hahahaha at least hindi rin ako ganun ka-bummed sa buhay....

ok.. a lot of things had happened lately... and am so depressed i can't bring myself to make kwento... am being torn apart... and i totally suck in decision making.... how on earth would i know how to choose what's right for me??? ive been so used to having somebody decide for me all the time. at first, when i was younger, i usually rebel against it since it's my life. i thought i can take care of myself. but then recently (my senior years of high school and college) ive let other people, especially my parents, to dictate what's right for me. well, giving in to what they want had given me all the benefit of trust. and i tell you, all kinds of benefits, including independence, which i long to have very much. but lately, they suddenly left me all alone, saying it's gonna be mine to decide na what i want to do with my life. which was weird at first. frustrating now. hindi ako pumasa sa kahit anong course na inapplyan ku sa UPD. i thought the devil himself had been playing tricks with me. God seems to be getting crueler and crueler to me, punishing me for all the misdeeds that i've done for not giving me a chance to study there. He gave me a ray of hope though and that is passing me in UP mla but the problem is, the course there is not right for me. my future would be uncertain when i take it up. computer science had been out of the blue. many people can justify my hesitance and that includes my beloved couz, di-on. ive never been good with computers. God bless my computer teacher's soul in highschool for going through with students like me; always wanting to take the easy way out because of the difficulty in debugging the program codes in computer.and now my mom's letting me reconsider it since it's closer to home. and im so confused for the past few weeks that i really haven't decided yet. i guess am into last minute again. i so envy some of my friends in upepp who are transferring to UPD this coming sem. and i have to go back there, defeated. sigh. God help me on this....

i couldn't go on much longer...

i couldn't think straight...

my head's throbbing now...

just thinking of it makes me want to puke....

i suck....

=(